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october thirtieth | nine post meridiem
Correspondences
I work for a certain agency that sounds a lot like "Stout Porks". When I got to work this morning, I found the following email:
Dear Mr. S.,
I want to drive my ungodly huge SUV to a W. stout pork. It is slightly bigger than an 18-wheel tractor trailer. I have hitched my Southern California track mansion to the back. I am currently making arrangements to bring my pool. Do I need to reserve a parking space for the upcoming winter hunting season? Also, will there be plenty of plump, fresh, eager-to-die elk and similar wildlife available for me to shoot legally and with abandon? I recently bought a safety orange vest at Wal-Mart, and I can't wait to wear it!
Also, I am a Christian. May I conduct baptisms and revivals on pork property? I have plans to dunk my cousin E.'s two heathenish teens, A. and J.-J., into the icy waters of the Chevrolet River, in the name of Jesus Christ, my personal savior (and I hope yours, too). I've heard of this "separation of church and state" poppycock, but does this extend to separation of church and stout pork?
Also, will there be snakes?
Thank you for taking the time to read this, Mr. S. You W. pork people do great work and I salute you.
VOTE ON NOVEMBER 5!
Yours in Christ,
Sgt. Bertram X. Canaflour
Moreno Valley, CA
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My reply:
Dear Mr. Sgt. Bertram X. Canaflour:
We at W. stout porks welcome you and your landscape-destroying vehicle with open arms. After all, this is what we are all about: destroying landscape. We like to do it in as many ways as possible: mostly by encouraging illicit drinking on our porks' premises. Ah, to step out the front door in the morning and see the woodland covered in a thin film of vomit! It brings tears to my eyes.
We also encourage indiscriminate hunting. Our rangers are here to serve you and will gladly hold down any wildlife you wish to take aim at: chipmunks, baby deer, humming birds, etc.
We apologize for any confusion re: the term "W. Stout Porks". This is an evil smoke screen cast over God's Land by the government, which must be overthrown. You and your family are welcome to engage in any wholesome Christian activities on our lands, including firing weaponry, carving stigmata into your palms, and home schooling your children. Might I also remind you that it's open season on abortion doctors?
Sincerely,
Donny Osmond
W. Stout Porks