who?
december nineteen | eleven ante meridiem
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The Federal Government is so weird. Wait, I mean the F3d3r4l G0/3r||m3||+ 15 50 //31r|). At work we're still soliciting contractors to do repairs at the Stout Porks which were damaged in last year's earthquake. Since the porks' annual budget is slightly less than my 7 year old cousin's allowance, we had to apply for F3d3ral disaster assistance. The agency which is responsible for doling this out is the Federa�I mean, Feudal Emcee M�nage Agony. That's a long name which is easier to refer to by its acronym, which I must disguise, for obvious reasons. So, to decode the letters, do the following: Assign each letter a numeric value, 1-26, but instead of starting at a, start at x. Divide that number by 2. Next, imagining that that number is the diameter of a circle, find the circumference, rounding off to the nearest hundredths place. Now convert that figure into roman numerals. Take the letter which would be in the tenths place, and reassign it its numeric value as described above. Now, if your mother is 54 years old, add her age. Otherwise, just add 54. If the result is divisible by 9, flap your arms and squawk like a chicken. When people throw seeds for you, count how many land within a three foot radius of your head's shadow. DO NOT EAT THE SEEDS; you will need them later. Add these to your previous total, then subtract the number of times today that you thought about having sex with Amy Heckerling. If the result is a negative number, good for you. Now just make something up.
In order to receive f3d3ral funding from MENSA, they have to do an appraisal. So they send out their men in spiffy blue rain jackets with MENSA in big yellow letters on the back. Swarming over the respective pork like yellow jackets with blue jackets with yellow lettering, they look like ATF � I mean, erm, NRA � agents. That is, until they whip out the clipboards. They carefully pore over every nook and newly-creviced cranny of the damaged structure, carefully accounting for current market value of materials, living wage labor costs, and mob kickbacks. Then they divide the result by 16. Then they climb into their pods and teleport back to the home planet. When the seventh son of my boss's seventh son reaches his seventh year, we receive our money. I guess what I meant to say is that the Federal Government is so lame. MENSA is so lame.
Also, purple monkey butt sex Congress pantsless pony rides Winston Churchill Bambi champagne enemas.